On grief...

Everything I write is from my own, personal experiences.

My life has taught me a lot about grief over the last few years..

On 13th April 2017 I lost my Charlie. It was, up to that point in my life my deepest and most profound experience of grief. I realise that many people reading this may not understand or fully empathise because Charlie was not my parent, or (human) child – he was my dog. Yet, if you knew him, and of our bond, you will know that whilst he may not have been my child, he was my truest soul mate: my constant, my companion, my baby, my best friend, my truest love. That loss devastated me and the day I said goodbye to him I was plunged into a depth of despair & heartbreak I hadn’t previously thought possible.

Charlie had been by my side through everything: house moves (many!) & upheaval, jobs & career changes, relationships & heartaches. I lived a bit of a gypsy life you might say but through it all I had him. Losing him was the worst thing that had ever happened in my life.

Just two days later, my stepdad P was diagnosed with Stomach Cancer and the nine months which followed were tremendously difficult for our whole family.

Tomorrow, 29th January will be the four year anniversary of P’s passing. Never in my life had I experienced the depths of such massive grief. It was the second time within twelve months. Losing a parent is devastating. Especially when it is too soon. P was 59.

My sister at the time wrote that P was ‘the king of our family’ and he was.

I think that there are different types of grief and I know everyone grieves differently. I also feel that one person can grieve in many different ways and that each loss comes with its own personal & unique experience of grief.

Of course, before I lost Charlie, I had suffered loss & grief. I lost each of my Grandparents and each loss was heartbreaking. In my own experience, I found it easier to accept & process these losses. All but one of my grandparents lived very long & happy lives (and my Grandad that didn’t sadly passed away before I was born so I never knew him) And so, my experience of loss was that of elderly people, who had got to live long & extraordinary lives. And whilst of course there is great sadness involved, there is also comfort that these people got to experience many, many years on this planet and were surrounded by family & love throughout their whole lives. I found comfort in knowing that.

When it came to Charlie, I simply wasn’t ready. I’d got him as a 9 week old puppy when I was 20 and until age 33 I grew up, into & through adulthood with him. He was everything to me and I remember I used to say to friends that I could never even let myself think about when the time might come where I’d have to lose him. When you are a woman in your thirties without children, your bonds with your dog are inexplicably strong! Even the thought of him not being here with me anymore was unbearable. And for his loss to have been so closely followed by P’s diagnosis and death just nine months later, well.. I’ve never known grief like it. It had never occurred to me I might lose a parent before they were old.

More recently I lost Barney, the puppy Charlie sent into my life to teach me I could love another dog. Barney sadly passed on his first birthday which once again came with it’s own unique experience of loss & grief.

I want to share with you lessons I have learnt along the way about grief. I hope that they bring you comfort, or help you to support someone in your life who may be grieving.

· There are no rules

One of my favourite phrases in life! (if you practice with me you’ll have heard these words many times!) Let me explain them in the context of grief.

No-one in this world can tell you how to feel, how to cope or how to deal with your loss. They simply can’t so don’t let them try to. There are no ‘shoulds’ when it comes to grief. I learnt early on that we each handle our loss and our pain differently. Each person had a different & unique relationship with the departed and needs to be fully allowed to grieve in their own way. And on each different day, that pain & grief might look & feel different (hour by hour it might feel different!)

I know that what I needed was permission to feel, speak, cry, walk, remember, write.. Unfortunately for me, at that time in my life I was in a very unhealthy relationship where I wasn’t given that permission and so I believe my own personal grieving process was hindered. Please don’t be unkind to anyone in their grief.

As much as you possibly can respect yourself if you are in pain.

As much as you possibly can respect anyone in your life who is in pain.

You do not always need to understand, in fact sometimes grief is pretty inexplicable. But you do always need to respect.

Do not ever make yourself (or anybody else) wrong for dealing with pain in whatever way is needed.

If you need more time off work – take it

If you are an employer – be kind

If you need to cry/sob/wail/scream – do it

If you are their partner – please let them

If you want to talk to them – talk to them. I talk to Charlie & P all the time!

If you hear someone talking to their lost ones, honour them

· Let it come

Perhaps the most significant piece of advice I can ever give anyone is to let it come. The pain, the sadness, the vulnerability, the hurt, the anger, the tears, the everything.

Please let it come.

For some people, it can take a long time for this process. For some people, it is simply too much to even fully acknowledge the loss. It is ok to take your time. Little by little, let yourself begin to feel the depth of each emotion. It is safe, I promise.

No good can ever come from repressing emotions. In fact, this is where so much discomfort (and eventually dis-ease) can come from.

It is healthy to cry

It is healthy to scream into a pillow or punch the bed

It is healthy to let everything come. Let it come up and then let it come out. I’m not saying this has to be when you’re in the queue at Sainsbury’s, but as soon as you can once the feeling comes, let yourself fully go into it. If you need support with this (I know it can be scary to really explore & FEEL your emotions fully, there are many people out there who can support you (including me))

· Support is everywhere

When we are experiencing grief, we can feel incredibly alone. We believe that no-one understands our pain and so we don’t always turn to someone for support because we don’t believe they will ‘get it’. Some people will and some people won’t and all of that is ok.

People will want to support you, it is in our biological nature as humans to look after each other & take care of each other. You only need to see someone crying in the street and your instinct is to go over to them and offer some comfort – right?

Let your friends know how you are feeling. Let them know if you need anything, I promise they will be more than happy to help. If you are far away from your friends, one thing that the pandemic has taught us is the power of connection through the internet. Reach out.

If you don’t want to lean on your friends & people you know, there are many, many organisations which support people who are grieving. There are bereavement counsellors, therapists, coaches, volunteers… The list is endless.

Support really is everywhere, I promise.

· Talk about them

The person you have lost is never really gone. As cliché as it sounds, I believe it is true – they live on forever in your heart & in your memories. The more that we speak about them, the more we keep their memory alive & close to us.

I know that you might not always feel like talking about them, especially when you’re caught up in a big wave of grief (it comes in waves you know) and so know that it is ok not talk too. The main thing is that you don’t give up speaking about them altogether.

Let people know it’s ok to mention their name and remember stories about them.

If you are supporting someone through their grief, ask them if they are ok talking about their person.

Talk about them and talk TO them. I find great comfort in talking to P, particularly about my business because I remember him being concerned about me leaving my job and going fully self employed – so now I like to let him know I’m ok. He knows.

· Honour them, and yourself

I will be really honest with you. Certain days will be very difficult. Especially in the first year. The first birthday (theirs and yours – I wasn’t prepared for quite how hugely I’d feel P’s absence on my first birthday after we lost him, that phonecall ‘where are you in the world’ he’d always say to me whenever he phoned me, was desperately missed and I think I cried most of the day and night that birthday)

The first Christmas

The first anniversary.

But then it gets a little easier.. I’m not going to tell you that ‘time heals everything’ but I am going to say the pain will not always feel as raw. Every anniversary will feel emotional, every birthday, every Christmas and every family occasion where their absence is notable & felt.

I say – use these days to honour them. To talk about them more than you did the day before. To remember their ways, their stories, their smile.

For the first 2 anniversaries after we lost P, mum had us all go to Cleveleys Sea Front (seriously on 29th January!!) where we were battered with freezing cold ice rain and mum said ‘he just loved it here’ At the time, it was not enjoyable – haha but now we have the most cherished family memories and we know P would be laughing his head off at us!

This year we will all go to Yarrow Valley where his ashes are scattered. I think every family, and every individual person finds their own way to honour their lost one. The important thing is that you do.

I had necklaces made with P’s fingerprint for my mum, my sister & myself. We wear them on each special occasion and feel him close to us.

Honour yourself.

Be kind to yourself

Be tender with yourself

Treat yourself with the same love & respect that you had for them.

And on Charlie’s anniversary every year, I take him to the top of Ingleborough mountain. It is our special place. The first mountain I climbed where it was just me & my Charlie bear. And in honour of that, is also where I will get married. To a man who cherishes me, and holds me while I move through my ongoing grief.

Be open to support

Be open to love

Be open to remembering them & loving them forever

To anyone reading this who is in grief right now, you have my compassion, you have my love, you have my understanding,

I love you x x