If you are recently heartbroken, these words are for you. Straight from my heart to yours. With love. So much love.

If you’ve been around for a while, you will know that my life has been somewhat of a rollercoaster over the last few years. I’ve endured my fair share (some would say MORE than my fair share!) of heartache, grief & sadness. But I’m happy to report, I made it through! I’m still here, and have a very clear knowing that it all happened for a solid purpose – so that I can support YOU now.

*This post is specifically about overcoming the heartbreak you find yourself enduring after the break up of a relationship. I will write more about different types of pain & grief in future blogs.

A lady reached out to me yesterday, she was in massive pain. Her husband of 20 years had left her after having been controlling & abusive towards her for much of that time. She was lost. They had been together since they were teenagers and they have children.

I could feel her pain.

Although my last relationship did not last 20 years (thank goodness!) and I do not (and will never) have children, I completely understood how she felt.

Because that relationship I was in was abusive. And I don’t think for much of it I realised quite how abusive it really was. I won’t go into all the messy details here as I want this blog to be about coping strategies, but for context, I get it. And it wasn’t until my counsellor/therapist referred me to a women’s refuge domestic abuse service that I fully realised how serious it all really was. I needed to pull myself out of the horrendous cycle of pain & torture I was in. I did everything I’ve written about here (plus ran away to Thailand for a month!)

I know right now it feels like the pain will never end but I promise you, I PROMISE it will.

I want to share with you my top 10 tips, tools & coping strategies that helped me because I think they could help you too.

1. In & through

The truth is, it HURTS. When a relationship ends (badly) it hurts. There is no escaping that. I’m sorry.

It is a process, very much like grief. In fact, it IS grief. I know I certainly was grief stricken, for a long time. And the only way to overcome grief, heartache & sadness is to go IN & THROUGH. You gotta let yourself FEEL everything. E V E R Y T H I N G.

It will be painful. It’s worth it to get to the other side.

It will hurt. It’s worth it to get to the other side.

You won’t like it. It’s worth it to get to the other side.

Here are some ways to help you go ‘in & through’…

When you feel that wave of sadness (sometimes anger, sometimes fear, sometimes despair) coming towards you ALLOW IT.

Take yourself somewhere safe, perhaps your bedroom, maybe the bathroom so you can lock the door and let yourself go fully into the emotion.

Cry.

Wail.

Scream into a pillow.

Punch the bed.

Stamp your feet.

Shake your body (like we do in class but even more rigorously!)

Let it all move through you.

You will likely feel tired afterwards, exhausted even. Let yourself rest.

Repeat often in those early days. I promise the need to let this stuff come up & out will lessen over time.

Holding it all in is so much more detrimental to your physical, mental & emotional well-being.

In & though

In & through

In & through

2. Find a balance of ‘allowing’ and distraction

There will come a point where you will become so tired of crying/being angry/feeling in so much pain (I’m not saying that those things won’t stop coming up, but it gets less frequent – good news!)

Start to find things to distract you from your suffering (without ever repressing things – it’s a delicate balance!)

You could throw yourself into work, or a new project, or join a new group, take up a new hobby, embrace Yoga(!) The possibilities for how you’ll start to fill your time are endless! This is good news.

3. Lean on your support network

Friends are angels. Family are angels. Therapists & coaches are angels! Let them help you.

Talk often to those you trust.

Receive cuddles, lots of.

4. Stop stalking them on socials

You’ll already know this because your higher self will already be telling you that this behaviour is no good for you! No good will ever come of you seeing & knowing what they are doing now. You don’t need to know. I know you think you do, but you do not. Trust me on this one.

As far as possible (and I know it’s trickier if there are children involved) but stop, or at least majorly limit all communication & contact. When you feel the urge to send them a message, message a friend instead, or message me instead! When you feel the urge to look up their profile, look up an inspirational page instead. When you feel the urge to find out about them & what they are doing, pour that energy into finding out about something that is going to help you, like what crystals to meditate with, or how to bake the perfect banana bread. Anything but them. Anything.

5. Write them a letter (but do not send it)

For some of us, writing is therapeutic. It allows thoughts & words to flow out of you, most of the time pretty effortlessly. I know there is likely a LOT that you want to say to them. Please write it down instead. I did this (several times in fact!) and I made the mistake of giving him the letter/s. Honestly, the pain of seeing my words ignored (he left my unopened letter in the garage when he collected the last of his things) just added to the pain. It was not easy and it hurt. You could keep your letter, but I recommend burning it, when you’re ready to. I did this and the emotional release was EVERYTHING.

6. Self care. Self care. Self care

Perhaps you relied on your partner to take care of you? Perhaps you depended on them to validate you or make you feel good? Perhaps you needed them for your own self approval? That all stops now (more good news!)

Please do something EVERY SINGLE DAY that makes you feel good. Every day and make it non-negotiable. It doesn’t have to be hours & hours, maybe just 20 minutes of undisturbed time you devote to yourself.

Here are some ideas:

Long, blissful, candlelit baths (even better when a Lush bathbomb is involved!)

Time to read (I can recommend a LOT of brilliant books for you!)

Walk your dog (or borrow someone else’s!)

Re-watch Sex & The City, or Friends, or whatever your go-to program is

Baking (if that’s your jam)

Yoga (obvs)

And please also buy yourself some flowers. I know you might think ‘oh, it’s not worth buying them just for myself’ YES IT IS. Or maybe you’re like ‘oh, I won’t bother’ YOU SHOULD. Or perhaps you think ‘flowers should be bought for me not by me’ SAYS WHO?! Buy the flowers.

7. Begin to change the way you think about yourself & see yourself

You are worthy without them.

You are beautiful without them having to tell you

You are deserving of wonderful & beautiful things & moments

You are a Queen in your own right

You are stronger than you will ever know

You are going to inspire so many people with your story

You are self sufficient & independent

You are incredible

You are YOU

Repeat often please (replace You for I!)

8. Go outside & look up

Do this twice a day, once in daylight, once by moonlight. Let the sky, the atmosphere, the sun, the stars and the moon remind you often that you are a part of something magnificent. You are a part of something truly magical. Your soul chose to be here at this time. You are special. You matter. You belong here.

9. Listen to music you knew & loved before you ever met them

This was a huge help for me.

10. Keep focused on the future you

Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. And never lose sight of why you must continue to show up for yourself every single day. The future you needs you! She needs you to keep taking care of yourself. Remember, she is depending on you to become her.

Every day think about the woman you are becoming. Strong. Capable. Resilient. Determined. Inspirational. Every day, move closer to her. She is you, you are her.

(Bonus tip - run away to Thailand for a month solo. It will change your life and you will never be the same again!)

I am sorry you are hurting, please know you are not alone. I hope some of these tips bring you some comfort. Let me know in the comments if they do.

With so much love from my heart to yours,

Jenny x x

Keep going beautiful x